Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo..

We make soooo many decisions in a day - ones that are automatic like deciding to brush your teeth in the morning, having that cup of coffee and putting on those particular shoes. Some are so easy to make, others you can pick by chanting a simple childhood rhyme, and others feel like a internal war between what you could do and what you should do.

I use the word 'war' because I'm an extreme overthinker (not that I really know what goes on inside someone else's head) but for majority of the conscious day, my mind races at a million miles an hour and I usually struggle with making decisions because I will weigh up every possible scenario, then weigh up how each scenario will impact every person that it touches, then weigh up how I feel about each scenario and try and come to a conclusion that will appease the majority (yep, I have people pleasing tendencies too). Sometimes, if not all of the time, reaching this conclusion is impossible to make and often tears me up. If this is you, I feel you and hope sharing my experience helps in someway. 

As I've mentioned previously, I felt I was going round in circles with different corporate jobs, always ending up in the same place as half a human with little soul who would cry on the way to the office each week. So the decision to leave corporate was partly forced upon me as I knew something had to change. Things that I considered and weighed up to back this decision:

• Focusing on what's important to me in this phase of my life, living with true intention and not living up to expectations, and limiting the noise from external influences (not a simple task, I know)

• Improving my mental health by trying something new, following my passion and interests, changing my routine and environment

• Ensuring finances were in a position to support a decrease in income by reviewing savings, cutting back expenses, having open and honest discussions with my fiancé, exploring part-time and casual work options

• Researching the floristry industry and networking with other florists to understand their journey and what it might look like for me. Understanding the fun and not-so-fun aspects was crucial so that I knew what to expect

• Understand what I was giving up - there is always an opportunity cost with every decision and I had to be sure I was able to accept what I was giving up

• Now or never - the realities of where I am in my life is that we're likely going to start a family soon (God willing) and if I don't try this change now, it may be more difficult to try once kids are in the picture from a physical, logistical and financial perspective

• Sharing thoughts with my key people to get other perspectives, remove any blind spots I might not have considered and have their support

The things that tore me up inside about making this decision:

• Letting my team down - leaving a team and good colleagues behind always impacts workloads and relationships, and there were particular circumstances with the last job that made it very emotional which added to the internal turmoil

• Impacting my professional reputation - I was only in my last corporate job for ~5 months when I decided to leave and I felt like I was giving up, I wasn't loyal or talented enough, and I feared people wouldn't take me seriously if I were to ever apply for another job

• Not being good enough to "make it" - I'm still struggling with this one at times, but I'm constantly trying to challenge that thinking by asking myself "what does making it mean to me?", and letting this journey take its course as it's meant for me

• Letting my family down - a very complicated one to write about but the generational gaps between my parent's expectations of what a career should look like is very different to what this career change is and moving through uncertainty is not comfortable for some (myself included). I also feared, and still fear, the impacts this would have on my future family with my income reducing

• I don't know how to restart - as someone who likes to plan and know what's coming, it was anxiety-inducing not knowing how I was going to tackle the next chapter (see other blog post)

Whilst the main struggle of the decision is over, many of the things that tore me up occasionally return to the surface and managing those aspects are an ongoing part of the journey. The main thing I've learned is that whatever the decision, I need to accept all aspects of it, the good and bad.  On the good side, I've been able to connect with nature, find a state of flow within the palm of my hands, include more movement in my day, and bring special moments to people's lives which has brought new levels of fulfillment. In short: so far, so good but not easy (is anything ever?).

Thanks for reading so far!  How am I doing?
Kindest,
JT xo

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